Valiant Mustache

by Leonard the Comet

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released July 4, 2011

Drums and percussion by Krista Rasmussen.

The In The Kitchen Records Choir sang on "AARP," "Ham Is Ass," "Doug Lifted Me," and "40-Drinking Stripper." The choir is:

Wes Doyle
Andrew Gallas
Connie Jordan
Jason Lambeth
Krista Rasmussen
Nina Reynolds
Alex Roth
Tom Teslik

This album is dedicated to the American Mustache Institute and its noble mission.



all rights reserved


Leonard the Comet Santa Cruz, California

Leonard the Comet is the solo recording project of Nathan Schaefer of Santa Cruz, CA.

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Track Name: AARP
Is coming to get you and me
Subvert democracy
Control the weather and all our TVs

The Union Jack is coming back
The communists will soon attack
And the price we pay's too high for schools and stop signs
Some stuck-up snobs in science labs
Think they'll solve more than violence can
But the cable news don't say so

The FDA tells us what to eat
The NRA serves all our needs
While the queen of England tries to steal our brainwaves
Halliburton's fine by me
Sold all my kids to AIG
But I don't trust clean energy
Track Name: Ham Is Ass
Nine or ten times my thumbnail bleeds
Tryin' to pop that dang tab open so I can eat
Got my favorite salsa ready to go
Ketchup and salt mixed up in a bowl
My sister asks why I forgot the beans
They're in the trunk with all my nudie magazines

Even though we all know ham is ass
I still save it all for last
Even though we all know ham is ass
Eatin' it's like catchin' a touchdown pass
Even though we all know ham is ass
It's the best part of every meal
Even though we all know ham is ass
It comes in ovals of tin or steel

Lost my forks and my right eye back in '95
I'll eat my meat out of the can with a pocketknife
That pretty squishy sound when I break the seal
Can't say how glad it makes my lone heart feel
Sittin' below my tin can chandelier
I'll wash it down with a can of week-old, warm, flat beer

Fully cooked ham
Pork shoulder meat
Modified potato starch
Sodium nitrite
Track Name: Guns & Liquor
You play with guns and liquor
While I'm shootin' pool back home
And I just keep on getting sicker
Of playin' this damn game alone

I met your girlfriend a few years back
When she helped me knock over a bank
Got drunk with the sheriff and gave him her number
She left for Juarez on one tank

And I can't pretend she's coming back
I swear that I tried everything I could think of
And begged them to take her instead of me
Oh, well
I might have meant to say that in reverse
But it's a damn shame, as we can both see

I took your sister to the Tehran bazaar
We were looking for postcards on our date
My drunken tirade about freedom and whiskey
Must have led them to lock her away

As you know, I'm a bit lonely
So let's get together again
I need your voice to console me
Though I'm sure you don't understand
Track Name: Doug Lifted Me
Went drinkin' with my hombres
Since Wednesday was too far away
We found a honky-tonk on Tuesday night
A steady stream of Wild Turkey
Washed down with beef jerky
I spit up on my orange pleather coat
The bartender said to get out
I gulped down my neighbor's milk stout
And collapsed as I tried to get away
Some tough guys holdin' pool cues
Came toward me, but I just puked
And laid there knowin' they'd whoop my ass

But then Doug lifted me
Doug lifted me
When I was flat on my ass
Doug lifted me

Well Doug and I got feelin's
Sometimes in disagreement
About how people oughtta live and work
But we still share a carpool
And diplomacy 'round barstools
Dictates you leave no man behind

Well I mighta hit on his wife
He mighta stolen my knife
I mighta considered eggin' his truck
But when I was on the floor, he
Was right there waitin' for me
His hand outstretched to my lost soul
Track Name: T-Shirt Cannon
I'm a T-shirt cannon, you're an eager fan
Tryin' to eye the race from way up in the stands
You think you see and know me, but you can't foresee
All my speeding cotton fibers knockin' you off your feet
All pretty white and preshrunk, corporate logos on the back
Just might take a couple fellas' eyes off the track
Yeah, your favorite driver's hittin' walls and catchin' fire
But your heart's burnin' full of brand new desire

I'm a big spud gun, you're a pretty little tree
Tryin' to listen to the birdies and catch the breeze
You won't even know what hit you, cause you're not that smart
But it's a burnin' piece of produce straight outta my heart
My PVC pipe of courage full of hairspray of love
That explosion could be heard by all the angels above
That tater stuck up in your branches, don't you know it's a sign
In just minutes, weeks, or hours, yeah, I know you'll be mine
Track Name: Casey Was Into Chai (For a Few Months Last Year)
Casey was into chai for a few months last year
Saw the errors of his ways and came back 'round here
Don't know why he ran away from all that we hold dear
But Casey was into chai for a few months last year

I remember the day when Casey ran away
Bought a Radiohead album and got on the plane
With jeans lookin' pretty tight
And Noam Chomsky in his hand
He said he'd eat some French pastries and start an indie rock band

Casey found that comforts were few and far between
No country sunsets or cans of grillin' beans
Squirrel shootin's illegal
No subservient wives
They even check the length of your fishin' and huntin' knives

Casey returned amid claps and loud cheers
We bought him a Luger and a case of light beer
Never again will he ever set foot
Where there's so little ammunition
And so many books
Track Name: Redneck Superstar
Redneck superstar
That is what you are
Fighting the good fight
All for Jesus Christ
Run away with me
To another place
We can eat possum by moonlight
From one corner to another, all right

Redneck superstar
That is what you are
Fighting spending plans
Dissing smarty-pants
Riding ATVs
On my TV screen
Because you know who it is you love
From the heartland to the grain belt, uh-huh

Redneck superstar
That is what you are
No abortion rights
Incandescent lights
Inner-city kids
You don't give a shit
Because that's not the 'Merica you like
So let's just pour another glass of Bud Light
Track Name: Chain-Smoking Hooker
I went to the land of the ice and snow
Full of tight fleece jackets, where the women are so cold
When you talk to them, they look at you like you're speaking French and only Portuguese will do
Till I saw one's boots with such fake fur
I couldn't stop making eyes at her
Looked up to see just what she had to say
But all that I could hear was this refrain:

She's got a voice like a chain-smoking hooker and a couple dark bags sitting under her eyes
She wears tight pants she bought where her daddy took her and she's looking to let lucky with some shady-ass guys
My heart skips beats, even though she ain't a looker
When she pulls out her new mobile phone to bitch at her mom
Her hair's done up just like her vodka-puking girlfriends' in a bun that looks like it survived a night after prom

I went to the bar where the ladies go, bought a pint of rail whiskey and a little shot of Coke
Some meathead started making fun of me 'cause I ain't followin' the Badgers but they're playin' on TV
Saw his lady friend, got lost in her eyes
All soft and delicate, blue like the sky
Couldn't see why she was with this buzz-cut dude
Till somethin' sudden shook me like a foghorn toot

I just wanna know now
Why all the good ones are taken first
I want a lady with a pack of Pell-Mells
In her silver sequined purse
If life was like a bake sale
I'd want the hot-pink frosted, jimmy-topped cupcakes
But it's more like an estate sale
And I'm left with someone's Grandma's porcelain plates
Track Name: General Washington's Porter
Out on the town
Somewhere in Virginia
Some good ol' boys
Filled up the room
Till someone
Haughty, English, and ginger
Started complaining and acting kind of rude

He said he supported the Quartering Act
Lack of representation while we're being taxed
Replaced "Of Thee I Sing"
With "God Save the Queen"
I looked around for a tonic or two
Found some mystical, old-fashioned bottles of booze
Brewed from recipes I'm told
Had scared off the redcoats

So I drank down a pull of Old Hickory's whiskey
Washed it down with a glass of Thomas Jefferson's wine
Had a full pint glass of General Washington's porter
Told that tea-drinkin' prude he ain't no friend of mine
I know that it's been a real long time comin'
English folks been eyein' us from across the sea
But I won't lay down and trade my biscuits in for crumpets
Or pledge allegiance to the East India Company

He looked down
At his gold-chained watch
Said "This was jolly good, but I'd best take my leave"
I lured him back
With an old, smelly kipper
And said the freedom we currently enjoyed didn't come for free

Well he argued that point till he ran out of air
Said that King George was just and that Parliament was fair
I said I didn't think many creoles would say so
Then he pulled out an umbrella from his suit-coat with flair
And with a twinkle in his eye, magically rose into the air
He bid me adieu, and said the old empire would strike back

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