The AARP Is coming to get you and me Subvert democracy Control the weather and all our TVs The Union Jack is coming back The communists will soon attack And the price we pay's too high for schools and stop signs Some stuck-up snobs in science labs Think they'll solve more than violence can But the cable news don't say so The FDA tells us what to eat The NRA serves all our needs While the queen of England tries to steal our brainwaves Halliburton's fine by me Sold all my kids to AIG But I don't trust clean energy

Nine or ten times my thumbnail bleeds Tryin' to pop that dang tab open so I can eat Got my favorite salsa ready to go Ketchup and salt mixed up in a bowl My sister asks why I forgot the beans They're in the trunk with all my nudie magazines Even though we all know ham is ass I still save it all for last Even though we all know ham is ass Eatin' it's like catchin' a touchdown pass Even though we all know ham is ass It's the best part of every meal Even though we all know ham is ass It comes in ovals of tin or steel Lost my forks and my right eye back in '95 I'll eat my meat out of the can with a pocketknife That pretty squishy sound when I break the seal Can't say how glad it makes my lone heart feel Sittin' below my tin can chandelier I'll wash it down with a can of week-old, warm, flat beer Fully cooked ham Pork shoulder meat Modified potato starch Sodium nitrite Salt Water

You play with guns and liquor While I'm shootin' pool back home And I just keep on getting sicker Of playin' this damn game alone I met your girlfriend a few years back When she helped me knock over a bank Got drunk with the sheriff and gave him her number She left for Juarez on one tank And I can't pretend she's coming back I swear that I tried everything I could think of And begged them to take her instead of me Oh, well I might have meant to say that in reverse But it's a damn shame, as we can both see I took your sister to the Tehran bazaar We were looking for postcards on our date My drunken tirade about freedom and whiskey Must have led them to lock her away As you know, I'm a bit lonely So let's get together again I need your voice to console me Though I'm sure you don't understand

Went drinkin' with my hombres Since Wednesday was too far away We found a honky-tonk on Tuesday night A steady stream of Wild Turkey Washed down with beef jerky I spit up on my orange pleather coat The bartender said to get out I gulped down my neighbor's milk stout And collapsed as I tried to get away Some tough guys holdin' pool cues Came toward me, but I just puked And laid there knowin' they'd whoop my ass But then Doug lifted me Doug lifted me When I was flat on my ass Doug lifted me Well Doug and I got feelin's Sometimes in disagreement About how people oughtta live and work But we still share a carpool And diplomacy 'round barstools Dictates you leave no man behind Well I mighta hit on his wife He mighta stolen my knife I mighta considered eggin' his truck But when I was on the floor, he Was right there waitin' for me His hand outstretched to my lost soul

I'm a T-shirt cannon, you're an eager fan Tryin' to eye the race from way up in the stands You think you see and know me, but you can't foresee All my speeding cotton fibers knockin' you off your feet All pretty white and preshrunk, corporate logos on the back Just might take a couple fellas' eyes off the track Yeah, your favorite driver's hittin' walls and catchin' fire But your heart's burnin' full of brand new desire I'm a big spud gun, you're a pretty little tree Tryin' to listen to the birdies and catch the breeze You won't even know what hit you, cause you're not that smart But it's a burnin' piece of produce straight outta my heart My PVC pipe of courage full of hairspray of love That explosion could be heard by all the angels above That tater stuck up in your branches, don't you know it's a sign In just minutes, weeks, or hours, yeah, I know you'll be mine

Casey was into chai for a few months last year Saw the errors of his ways and came back 'round here Don't know why he ran away from all that we hold dear But Casey was into chai for a few months last year I remember the day when Casey ran away Bought a Radiohead album and got on the plane With jeans lookin' pretty tight And Noam Chomsky in his hand He said he'd eat some French pastries and start an indie rock band Casey found that comforts were few and far between No country sunsets or cans of grillin' beans Squirrel shootin's illegal No subservient wives They even check the length of your fishin' and huntin' knives Casey returned amid claps and loud cheers We bought him a Luger and a case of light beer Never again will he ever set foot Where there's so little ammunition And so many books

Redneck superstar That is what you are Fighting the good fight All for Jesus Christ Run away with me To another place We can eat possum by moonlight From one corner to another, all right Redneck superstar That is what you are Fighting spending plans Dissing smarty-pants Riding ATVs On my TV screen Because you know who it is you love From the heartland to the grain belt, uh-huh Redneck superstar That is what you are No abortion rights Incandescent lights Inner-city kids You don't give a shit Because that's not the 'Merica you like So let's just pour another glass of Bud Light

I went to the land of the ice and snow Full of tight fleece jackets, where the women are so cold When you talk to them, they look at you like you're speaking French and only Portuguese will do Till I saw one's boots with such fake fur I couldn't stop making eyes at her Looked up to see just what she had to say But all that I could hear was this refrain: She's got a voice like a chain-smoking hooker and a couple dark bags sitting under her eyes She wears tight pants she bought where her daddy took her and she's looking to let lucky with some shady-ass guys My heart skips beats, even though she ain't a looker When she pulls out her new mobile phone to bitch at her mom Her hair's done up just like her vodka-puking girlfriends' in a bun that looks like it survived a night after prom I went to the bar where the ladies go, bought a pint of rail whiskey and a little shot of Coke Some meathead started making fun of me 'cause I ain't followin' the Badgers but they're playin' on TV Saw his lady friend, got lost in her eyes All soft and delicate, blue like the sky Couldn't see why she was with this buzz-cut dude Till somethin' sudden shook me like a foghorn toot I just wanna know now Why all the good ones are taken first I want a lady with a pack of Pell-Mells In her silver sequined purse If life was like a bake sale I'd want the hot-pink frosted, jimmy-topped cupcakes But it's more like an estate sale And I'm left with someone's Grandma's porcelain plates

Out on the town Somewhere in Virginia Some good ol' boys Filled up the room Till someone Haughty, English, and ginger Started complaining and acting kind of rude He said he supported the Quartering Act Lack of representation while we're being taxed Replaced "Of Thee I Sing" With "God Save the Queen" I looked around for a tonic or two Found some mystical, old-fashioned bottles of booze Brewed from recipes I'm told Had scared off the redcoats So I drank down a pull of Old Hickory's whiskey Washed it down with a glass of Thomas Jefferson's wine Had a full pint glass of General Washington's porter Told that tea-drinkin' prude he ain't no friend of mine I know that it's been a real long time comin' English folks been eyein' us from across the sea But I won't lay down and trade my biscuits in for crumpets Or pledge allegiance to the East India Company He looked down At his gold-chained watch Said "This was jolly good, but I'd best take my leave" I lured him back With an old, smelly kipper And said the freedom we currently enjoyed didn't come for free Well he argued that point till he ran out of air Said that King George was just and that Parliament was fair I said I didn't think many creoles would say so Then he pulled out an umbrella from his suit-coat with flair And with a twinkle in his eye, magically rose into the air He bid me adieu, and said the old empire would strike back 54°40′ or fight