I went to the land of the ice and snow
Full of tight fleece jackets, where the women are so cold
When you talk to them, they look at you like you're speaking French and only Portuguese will do
Till I saw one's boots with such fake fur
I couldn't stop making eyes at her
Looked up to see just what she had to say
But all that I could hear was this refrain:

She's got a voice like a chain-smoking hooker and a couple dark bags sitting under her eyes
She wears tight pants she bought where her daddy took her and she's looking to let lucky with some shady-ass guys
My heart skips beats, even though she ain't a looker
When she pulls out her new mobile phone to bitch at her mom
Her hair's done up just like her vodka-puking girlfriends' in a bun that looks like it survived a night after prom

I went to the bar where the ladies go, bought a pint of rail whiskey and a little shot of Coke
Some meathead started making fun of me 'cause I ain't followin' the Badgers but they're playin' on TV
Saw his lady friend, got lost in her eyes
All soft and delicate, blue like the sky
Couldn't see why she was with this buzz-cut dude
Till somethin' sudden shook me like a foghorn toot

I just wanna know now
Why all the good ones are taken first
I want a lady with a pack of Pell-Mells
In her silver sequined purse
If life was like a bake sale
I'd want the hot-pink frosted, jimmy-topped cupcakes
But it's more like an estate sale
And I'm left with someone's Grandma's porcelain plates